I thought for sure this would be easy to think of 5 things. As it turns out… it’s not. Certainly even more difficult when you are close to your next scan. HELLO SCANXIETY!!! On Monday I will go in for my 6 month scan. I feel great. I can’t see any signs of anything. But that means nothing. Especially when you’re last scan showed a spot on your lung.
Sure, that spot was tiny. Not even big enough to biopsy if they wanted to. Sure it didn’t look cancerous. Fuzzy edges usually mean some kind of infection vs hard edges that could mean a malignancy. Yes, my oncologist at the U of M who sees tons of cases similar said he wasn’t concerned. BUT… nothing about this has been usual. Nobody really knows very much about this cancer. And I’ve heard before, it’s not something I’m worried about.
Add on to all of, someone I never met but was told about by a family member passed away as a result of his cancer the other day. He had his leg amputated as well and made the best of it. People talk about how he inspired them.
Add all of that together and it means that right now, I don’t miss my leg. AT ALL!! It housed the thing that tried to kill me. And always lurks in my mind. When my surgeon came into my room and sat in the chair next to my bed to discuss my amputation I had one big question for him. “What happens if I don’t have the surgery?” His response was short, pointed, but honest. “It will kill you.” Nobody knew when it would happen but the fact was, I would die.
Losing my leg meant not dying. It meant seeing my daughter grow up. It meant being around to see all of the milestones that will happen. It meant being alive to continue this journey of life with my wife. It meant the opportunity to make a difference. It meant EVERYTHING! Are there things I wish I could do, yes. But ask me the question of would you rather die or never run? How about never golf? Never whatever? I’ll easily give it up to still be alive.
Just looking at my missing legs is going to make me think about other missing things. Looking at my daughter, wife, and life shows me everything I have.