A Confession…

My confession: I have very little confidence. This is something I alluded to in an earlier post as well and goes along with me giving up easily. If I do not excel at something right away, I tend to give up assuming I am not good. Some of this comes from comparing myself to people that are at the top of whatever it is. Learning to play guitar I listen to a buddy play or the guy giving lessons and think, “there is no way I will get there.” But they have YEARS of playing on me. I have started 10 meter air rifle shooting and seeing the scores needed to get into the Paralympics makes it tough to even start. Even looking at golf now, something I have rarely lacked confidence in, I question if I will be able to be competative again. This blog… do people actually enjoy what I have to say and enjoy following me?

Maybe it is because I am too competative. I am always comparing myself to someone else. Sure, I can make myself appear confident but inside it is a totally different story.

Even something like walking with my prosthesis for the first time. I was getting frustrated with not being able to make the knee kick like it is supposed to. Nevermind the fact that I have to shift my weight, trust that the leg will hold, pop my hip, and step forward all at the perfect time to get it working like it should. People with below knee amputations can struggle walking their first time and this is way more complicated! As I am typing this, I am realizing that maybe my confession should be that I am a perfectionist that leads me to have no confidence which leads to not trying.

My goal for myself is not to give up on my desire to be perfect but to accept when I do fail. (Which is a lot… just ask my wife!) If I can accept that I have failed, figure out what I did wrong, and try again without making that mistake the failures will eventually be less and less. The definition of confidence is this: “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.” By making one of my greatest abilities the ability to learn and adapt and being confident in that, nothing else should scare me.

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